God Said No.



I am 12 years old. I am happy and free spirited. I laugh and talk loudly. I love my friends, music, and swimming in our pool. I dream of being on stage someday, singing for the world. My sky has no ceiling.  

I am 13 years old. My grandfather dies suddenly from a rapid cancer. I get my period for the first time in the airport on the way to his funeral. I don't want to grow up yet. 

I am 13 years old. I meet an older man from church and have my first big crush. He makes me feel special. One night, he touches my face and tells me I'm beautiful. He says he wishes he could see me in the mornings when I first wake up, when my hair is messy and my eyes are still tired. I think maybe I am falling in love with him. 

I am 14 years old. The man moves into our home to help remodel it. He tells me he loves me and makes me give him blow jobs. He takes my clothes off and fingers me. "Don't tell anyone. They won't understand." Often, I wake up in the middle of the night with him standing on my bed, looming over me. I am the object of his desires. The receptacle for his filthy fantasies. 

I am 15 years old. The man says he'll marry me soon. As soon as I'm legal. He calls me a slut. He says if I really love him I won't look at other men, I won't laugh loudly or smile too much. He handles me roughly and it excites him. "No one else will love you. You're too much trouble." He watches porn then comes to find me. I live for him, in the cage he has built around me. I am a prisoner in my own home. 

I am 16 years old. The man moves out of our home. He finds me occasionally. "Meet me in the car around the corner." He ejaculates on me and quickly leaves. This is our last encounter. I sit on the swing set down the hill from our home. I am numb. I am ruined by him. By his hate and his sex and his greed.

I cried for this man. He took from me. I lived for his approval. He took from me. I begged his forgiveness. He took from me. I gave him my future. He took from me. 

I ask God to let me die. Let me die for this man. 

God said no. Go and live. 


"She will break away

She will chase that morning sun

She will fly out of the darkness

She will break these chains of love

She will blossom into beauty

She will stand up tall and proud 

She can see past all the lies 

She has taken down the shroud

She will chase that morning sun."






















Comments

  1. You write lovely poetry, play strong music, are a lover, wife, mom, a friend and advocate. The House of Cards they built, you built, is not where you now reside.
    Thank-you for all you do, for who you are: The abuser falls into the darkness while the one he harmed rises in the light.

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