The Private Journal of an Abuse Victim
As a young girl, I journaled all the time. While I was being abused it was the only way I knew how to process my confused feelings. Over the years I have destroyed some of the journals I've come across but some are still around. I found one a few months ago and have been waiting for what felt like the right time to share some of the entries from it.
Here on my blog I've written before (here, for instance) detailing what it's like for victims to be infatuated with their abusers, but I think these transcribed journal entries give a unique glimpse into the heart and mind of my 16 year old self.
At the time I wrote them, I had already endured 2 years of sexual abuse. Jamin had met and groomed me, lived with our family, and moved out of our house by this time. The following entries were written as the interactions between Jamin and I began to come to a close.
(In one of the entries I have blanked out the name of friend of mine who I had begun to develop feelings for after Jamin moved out of our house.)
Things have been pretty rocky for the last few months. Jamin and my friendship has been faced with various difficulties and mistakes on both our parts have made things troublesome. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and maybe for his standards I'm not. I try so, so hard for him and I know that I fall short but I am only human and I am only 16 years old! Lord, please smooth things out between us. A lack of communication throws yet another wrench into things and makes it so hard when we can rarely even speak to each other. Please help him to overcome or at least improve his jealousy problem. It's so hard on me, Lord. His anger and impatience with me constantly hurts me and scares me. I beg you to convict him of this sin. Help me not to be a hypocrite and to rebuild his trust by not being two-faced. Make me more Christ-like and help to me control my confused feelings about this whole situation. Show me how you would have me act and give me wisdom in daily decisions I must make...
...Please take the heavy weight of this day off my shoulders. Amen.
Lord, I have been confused but I don't think I've ever been this confused. While Jamin distances himself from me, ______ spends so much time at our house (time that Jamin could be spending with me too) and he gives me friendship. Like a fool I betray Jamin's trust constantly and I don't flirt with _______ but I am definitely more friendly than Jamin would ever want me to be. I miss my dear, dear friend. His lack of affection and ignoring me hurts me so much. I miss you, Jamin. I want my Jamin back. I want ______ gone from my life forever. I want the life I have known for the last 2 years. Hard, troublesome, so painful but with those highlights that made it all worthwhile. Come back to me, my love.
Lord, please sort out my confused and weary mind and feeling. Bring my best friend back to me? Forgive me for all my hypocrisy and deceit. Take it out of my heart. Heal this mess, God. Please, heal this. I love Jamin with all my heart and more. Please forgive us, strengthen our relationship with you and with each other. Help me to ignore ______ and just be cordial with him. Bless my sleep and bless Jamin's sleep. Take his jealous heart from him and please destroy that sinful horrible anger he has.
It's been weeks since I've written. I love Jamin so dearly yet I feel like he does not love me in the same way. I give so much and try so hard for him but my efforts are not reciprocated. Tonight he came into my work and I was so happy to see him and I showed it, but he seemed unexcited to see me and he acted like he barely noticed me. I was crushed. He tells me I should give him attention in public because people will think of me as just a little girl but that if he does the same it will mar his reputation. So I give to him and receive no attention, or very little from him. It's hard and I don't like it. I'm so confused. Everything is so blurry and unsure. One minute I am crazy about him and the next minute he hurts me so much and I don't respect him like I did before.
Maybe I'm just sick of being crazy about him when he's not crazy about me. I don't even know anymore.
Also I don't know what's going on but I have developed some sort of stomach problems I guess from being constantly troubled and stressed. I am sick all the time and whenever I eat I get very sick. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have so much sin.
At a time like this I am so tempted to scream at God and ask him "why?" Why he could make me hurt so horridly like this? Why he would take away my best friend? But no. Why is not the question. Why is because God's will is perfect and why is because I don't deserve any more than this, in fact I deserve less. I cannot ask God to make me happy. I can't beg to know my future. I do not deserve any happiness. I have a black stench in my heart.