The Private Journal of an Abuse Victim




As a young girl, I journaled all the time. While I was being abused it was the only way I knew how to process my confused feelings. Over the years I have destroyed some of the journals I've come across but some are still around. I found one a few months ago and have been waiting for what felt like the right time to share some of the entries from it. 

Here on my blog I've written before (here, for instance) detailing what it's like for victims to be infatuated with their abusers, but I think these transcribed journal entries give a unique glimpse into the heart and mind of my 16 year old self. 

At the time I wrote them, I had already endured 2 years of sexual abuse. Jamin had met and groomed me, lived with our family, and moved out of our house by this time. The following entries were written as the interactions between Jamin and I began to come to a close. 

(In one of the entries I have blanked out the name of friend of mine who I had begun to develop feelings for after Jamin moved out of our house.)

~

10/14/2003

Things have been pretty rocky for the last few months. Jamin and my friendship has been faced with various difficulties and mistakes on both our parts have made things troublesome. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and maybe for his standards I'm not. I try so, so hard for him and I know that I fall short but I am only human and I am only 16 years old! Lord, please smooth things out between us. A lack of communication throws yet another wrench into things and makes it so hard when we can rarely even speak to each other. Please help him to overcome or at least improve his jealousy problem. It's so hard on me, Lord. His anger and impatience with me constantly hurts me and scares me. I beg you to convict him of this sin. Help me not to be a hypocrite and to rebuild his trust by not being two-faced. Make me more Christ-like and help to me control my confused feelings about this whole situation. Show me how you would have me act and give me wisdom in daily decisions I must make...

...Please take the heavy weight of this day off my shoulders. Amen.  

Natalie G.

~

10/15/2003

Lord, I have been confused but I don't think I've ever been this confused. While Jamin distances himself from me, ______ spends so much time at our house (time that Jamin could be spending with me too) and he gives me friendship. Like a fool I betray Jamin's trust constantly and I don't flirt with _______ but I am definitely more friendly than Jamin would ever want me to be. I miss my dear, dear friend. His lack of affection and ignoring me hurts me so much. I miss you, Jamin. I want my Jamin back. I want ______ gone from my life forever. I want the life I have known for the last 2 years. Hard, troublesome, so painful but with those highlights that made it all worthwhile. Come back to me, my love. 

Lord, please sort out my confused and weary mind and feeling. Bring my best friend back to me? Forgive me for all my hypocrisy and deceit. Take it out of my heart. Heal this mess, God. Please, heal this. I love Jamin with all my heart and more. Please forgive us, strengthen our relationship with you and with each other. Help me to ignore ______ and just be cordial with him. Bless my sleep and bless Jamin's sleep. Take his jealous heart from him and please destroy that sinful horrible anger he has. 

Natalie G.

~

11/07/2003

It's been weeks since I've written. I love Jamin so dearly yet I feel like he does not love me in the same way. I give so much and try so hard for him but my efforts are not reciprocated. Tonight he came into my work and I was so happy to see him and I showed it, but he seemed unexcited to see me and he acted like he barely noticed me. I was crushed. He tells me I should give him attention in public because people will think of me as just a little girl but that if he does the same it will mar his reputation. So I give to him and receive no attention, or very little from him. It's hard and I don't like it. I'm so confused. Everything is so blurry and unsure. One minute I am crazy about him and the next minute he hurts me so much and I don't respect him like I did before. 

Maybe I'm just sick of being crazy about him when he's not crazy about me. I don't even know anymore. 

Also I don't know what's going on but I have developed some sort of stomach problems I guess from being constantly troubled and stressed. I am sick all the time and whenever I eat I get very sick. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have so much sin. 

Natalie G.

~

12/14/2003

At a time like this I am so tempted to scream at God and ask him "why?" Why he could make me hurt so horridly like this? Why he would take away my best friend? But no. Why is not the question. Why is because God's will is perfect and why is because I don't deserve any more than this, in fact I deserve less. I cannot ask God to make me happy. I can't beg to know my future. I do not deserve any happiness. I have a black stench in my heart. 

Natalie G. 

Comments

  1. Oh natalie. Thank you for sharing your private journal with us. Inside the mind and heart of someone being abused is so muddled and confused. I can feel it in this writing. Sending you all the love and so much gratitude.

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  2. I'm sure you can see it now. In your writings I see not just the effects of Jamin's abuse, but also the heavy thumbprint of Doug Wilson's sick twisted perversions of "Christian" theology.

    At this point in my life, I refuse to call myself a "Christian" because the Church has been hijacked by fools, liars, and psychopaths, and to claim "Christianity" is to give them a hold over you that they ought not to have. Your instincts are correct. Believe what you will, and don't accept their labels for any reason under any circumstance.

    It should come as no surprise to you that I recognize your writing syntax from my own journals, kept throughout my cult experience. I used to write almost the exact same pleas to God in almost the exact same wordings, pleas for strength and the ability to avoid sin and to be a better person. The only difference in our stories is the specific people who abused us. You are not alone. It's not your problem. It's never been your problem. The problem lies with a worldwide church that is utterly depraved and corrupt, an absolute mockery of the blood of Christ. Speak to God directly, as you would speak to yourself, and let no one ever come in between you. It's the only way to be sure of what you think and who you are.

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  3. Dear Natalie, I am so sorry you have had to face such self-loathing. Patriarchal Christianity is a toxic education in self-hatred and your words, as such a young age are heartbreaking to hear. (Many of us brought up in this sickness, have suffered such self-harm in the way we were shown to see ourselves as evil and sinful.
    Your strength of character in being able to share this writing and allow us to feel that pain is very commendable. I am happy to know that you are free of this kind of abuse, this king of incessant self-harm in thinking you are so full of sin and wrong and not worthy. What a terrible thing to do to children, to expose them to that kind of upbringing. My parents did the same to me, serving God faithfully. Over the years, they have softened their stance somewhat but it is still a patriarchal poison. I found the works of Alice Miller very freeing when trying to deal with that portion of my life, the systemic abuse.

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  4. Reading this broke my heart. I don't know how anyone can read these words and not see -- feel -- the abuse you suffered. Good for you for having the courage to share something so painful in the hopes that it might shed light on the dynamics of abuse.

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  5. This is so powerful. Like you, I was taught that all the bad in my life was better than what I deserved, or even punishment from God for some debilitating sin I was unaware of.

    Now I understand God's love and grace mentally more than I ever have, but I am still so angry at him emotionally and disconnected from that love and grace for what I suffered and for what you suffered and all these other people who have been attacked by the wolves and the fat sheep.

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  6. And the man who was your pastor at the time, Douglas Wilson, used the existence of these journals as a weapon and a threat to silence you on his personal (though linked to his church website on the days when he's writing "holy" crap).

    You are only as sick as your secrets; and Douglas Wilson really really hates it when he can't use a person's sins and secrets for his twisted benefit. How many people must he have under his fat fleshy thumb.

    So again and again, Natalie, way to go! Heal in the light.

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