Perpetuating Abuse (warning:explicit language)

When I was a young teen I was groomed, then sexually, physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abused for over 2 years by a criminal 10 years my senior. Here's the first blog post I wrote about the abuse; my first public account of what happened to me and the injustice I suffered while my abuser enjoyed a degree of leniency I naively did not know existed.


Now I know better. Much better. Enough to recognize the unfortunate irony of the situation in which the criminal is now under church discipline for abusing his wife and children. I've also recently found out the girl to whom he was engaged when I went to the police about the abuse (2 years after the abuse ended, right before I turned 18), was also abused by him for the duration of their relationship, which ended promptly after I went to the authorities. Who knows who else he's abused in his life. I once watched him hold a dog by the neck and smash its head repeatedly against a concrete wall because it didn't lie down when he commanded it. Minutes later he embraced the dog and madly licked its mouth and tongue. 

Horrifying as it is that this monster went on to harm other innocent women and children, I think this might be the part where I say - I told you so. And not to the innocent individuals who trusted and were consequently in a position to be harmed by the criminal, but to those who I so desperately reached out to, those who I begged to protect others from the horrors I suffered, those who told me it was my fault for not saying no, or my father's fault for not knowing better, or my mother's fault for not teaching me to be more ladylike. To those who wrote letters to the judge presiding over the case heralding the character of the criminal and requesting leniency in the sentencing, to those who wrote letters on behalf of the criminal and in them criminalized a young girl, to those who welcomed the criminal back into society whilst shunning and scorning the victim, to those who found it more convenient to close their eyes to something they did not want to see rather than face the truth and take a stand, the sad fact of the matter is that you, each of you, perpetuated abuse.

Even now, I'm nearly certain the authorities will not be involved in this latest case of abuse, which is a terrible thing because it means someone else will be hurt. It will be handled quietly and quickly so as not to disturb the reputation of the church. The age old story.

And so it goes on, and more little girls are hurt and scarred, and more women are beaten, and more men scramble to cover the tracks of it all and preserve their positions of power. 

And somewhere in the night a little girl with budding breasts cries quietly in bed, unable to sleep, her head swirling with fear and guilt and shame and so much more that she can't understand. And the man who makes her suck his cock rushes out of his Bible study, hoping she hasn't fallen asleep yet. 








Comments

  1. Flat-out wrong. And horrifying. I am so sad to read these words. But I'm glad you wrote them.

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    1. Thank you, Art. I know Wesley was hoping you would read this. Maybe you can take action someday. ;-)

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  2. I commented on the initial post you linked to. Suffice to say that I am so damned proud of you and so absolutely certain that God is using you in the Spirit's work to destroy the diseased tent of what is for the sake of Christ and his Gospel and with mercy for those within Christ Church who truly are filled with the Spirit and yet blinded by the one who presides over it. Make no mistake. He and Jamin and their supporters are not beyond the reach of God's mercy and forgiveness; sadly, though, nothing in their training has led them to grasp that much of anything they do is particularly offensive, much less requiring of repentance. I send you my love, friend, and my admiration forever.

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  3. He is no doubt a complete sociopath. My heart goes out to every innocent woman, child and animal he has treated like lifeless objects simply because he could. This guy needs to be in prison. He is a rapist and a wife and child beater. How can he be forgiven for something he doesn't even feel bad about doing in the first place? He has an entire church wrapped around his finger, giving him the benefit of a doubt after repeated testimony from women who have been the victim of his lies, manipulation and sexual/physical/mental abuse. It's fascinating and sickening at the same time. I'd like to think that he will one day have to pay for his horrible acts against the innocent people and animals he's hurt. I'd really like to think that.

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  4. I just found this because of an article Katie Botkin wrote. I don't think I really knew you at all at the time, but if I participated in it at all, forgive me. (And if it's possible for me to apologize on behalf of a community I'm not a part of any more, I'd do that too.) I don't know where it comes from, but there's a tendency in that group to refuse to hear the cry of people who have been wronged, unless they can act all "morally upright", and that tendency is despicable. Again, forgive me if I wronged you.

    (I do remember one time when I was in Bucers and some drunk guy made very offensive comments about you while I was there, and I was too stunned to say anything. (Fortunately someone else did.) You perhaps don't remember that at all, but it just came to my mind. Forgive me for not speaking up for you then.)

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  5. Natalie, I don't know if you'll see this, but I am also an abuse survivor and I just wanted to say that I admire your courage in speaking out! I have always found Doug Wilson to be unsettling without really knowing why, but I have been learning more about him and his so-called "ministry" (cult!) lately, and somehow I stumbled onto your blog. Your story breaks my heart and also makes me extremely angry at how you were treated by your church. It's absolutely disgusting.

    I'm sorry for what happened to you. I hope that your voice is heard and that others will find the strength within themselves to come forward and speak out against abusers and abuse apologists.

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  6. Natalie Rose,

    This article and your previous one are heart-wrenching. This story should be more public. I would love to talk with you more about this and work up an article for my blog. Can you please contact me at spiritualsb@gmail.com? Thanks much. Ugh - this stuff makes me so angry.

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  7. I echo your "language"; it's perfectly appropriate here. If merely reading this post triggers suppressed rages in myself, how much more for you! Wicked, wicked, complicit men! Undergoing the second torture through the courts took amazing strength of character; I stand in complete awe of you.

    God is not mocked: justice will be served, one way or another.

    "Pearl"

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    1. If my last comment seems slightly out of place, I mistakenly commented under the wrong post (?!?) - thought I was on "No More Tape..."

      I didn't think it could get worse, and then I read this one. Something must be done to stop and expose all these monsters with power, and bring them to swift judgment, hopefully involving electrodes and high voltage followed by a cold cell for each, accompanied by another hardened, deprived and hungry monster.

      "Pearl"

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  8. I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you, don't let the past define who you are.. Let Jesus Christ define you. He cleanses us and clothes us in His righteousness so there is no spot nor blemish, we are perfect in Him.

    This is me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqX2BpbY7fY

    https://www.facebook.com/Jesusistheway777/posts/1661887860699626?hc_location=ufi

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    1. ^You may mean well. However, this comment is completely inappropriate, irrelevant, and I suspect deeply insulting to the person you are speaking to. Whoever you are, I charge you to think deeply about what speaking truth in love actually looks like.

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  9. I am horrified by the dog abuse - I have already heard about the child abuse. Christian hatred. I was taught we were better than everyone else, after all we were saved. I see the Islamophobia everywhere in the media. I live in a Muslim country (Turkey) where everyone feeds the street dogs and cats. I hear very few raised voices and see a lot of kindness to children. Yet these people are inferior to good Christians, like the one who abused you and the dog, according to Doug Wilson and the beliefs of my childhood. The mind boggles.

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