some days it seems the journey never ends.

It only loops. Each lap differing only slightly. My mantra, fuck sexual abuse. Leave me alone. Hurt me for a time, so be it, but leave me. Leave me forever. It stays always and once it's gone its seeds, planted with each sick deed, grow with roots stronger than any. Stronger than a mother's loving kisses in infancy. Stronger than the protective grasp of a father's hand holding his toddler's chubby fingers. Stronger even than a steady, inside voice proclaiming 'you are loved, beautiful, strong...healed.' In the morning the voice is gone, slipped away because you didn't squeeze tightly enough.

If words from a lover could heal my hurt and stitch my wounds I would surely be a whole woman. Loving freely, myself included, sparing judgement, accepting those words of love each like tiny diamonds. Instead, ever pushing, ever grasping for control like at seeds tossed by a gust of wind, I lose myself in a furious flurry of my own mind.

Today, the fight is long and hard. Today, I fight with myself but more than that I fight with him. LEAVE.


  1. Hey Natalie,
    I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Here is a link to a blog of one of my friends that I thought you might want to peek at. She talks a bit about how she worked through her abuse and eating disorder.


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